My best leadership experience is a very personal one. I come from a very large family of 8 children. My Mom was the rock of the family but passed away 17 years ago. I am a leader at work and have been for many years but in my family, I strive to take a backseat to any leadership. I take a break and let others do it and it has worked well this way for years-until recently. For over a year, my Dad has had prostate issues and has been in and out of hospitals; sometimes multiple times a day. My four sisters and three brothers and I have been trying to take turns helping out taking care of him. Some of us don’t live close to him so caring for him falls on my two sisters who live the closest. He actually lives with one sister and the other is about 5 minutes away. They have been taking him to his doctor appointments. For almost a year he had been frustrated with his issues. A recent surgery in February was supposed to resolve the problem. To our frustration, the problem came back in early June with another emergency surgery. No one could get off work to take him to his follow up appointment so I volunteered and asked some probing questions. The doctor wasn’t a specialist and really didn’t have a good answer. I wanted to know what proactively they could do to assure us that my Dad wouldn’t end up in the ER again. I wanted to know why he still continued to have blood in his urine. The doctor gave answers that just didn’t satisfy me-she wanted me to believe that “this is normal and will go away over time”. I made the decision to suggest to my Dad on the way home that we should seek a second opinion. I would look for a urologist and if I could find one that I think would be a good fit, would he go? He said yes. I then communicated to the rest of my family that I was going to take this on. They all wished me good luck; everyone was so tired of the ER runs but no one considered another doctor. Dad has had this doctor for years-why change? I found the second doctor-made the appointment and met my Dad there. This doctor was much younger, asked very specific questions of my Dad and looked at his CT scan that was taken last August by his first doctor. The scan was taken because they suspected my Dad may have had a kidney stone; he didn’t. The doctor looked at the scan and said he wanted my Dad to have an enhanced scan taken. He said the scan didn’t tell him everything. So, we scheduled the enhanced scan. The doctor called the next day and explained what he had seen on the scan to one of my brothers. My Dad had a tumor in his kidney-3cm. I met my Dad at the clinic and we then met the doctor. He showed us the first scan and showed us what he saw. Something didn’t look correct near my Dad’s left kidney. This is why he requested the enhanced scan. He said the first scan was fine for detecting kidney stones. The enhanced scan showed the tumor clear as day. I asked why the first doctor didn’t see what he saw. He was politically correct about it; “hard to see” was his answer. The doctor felt strongly that this was bladder cancer because of my Dad’s continued bleeding. He said this type of cancer is known to bleed. We would need a biopsy to confirm. Another test for my Dad. I knew he was getting tired of tests but we needed to do this. I told him we were getting closer to some answers and asked how he was doing. He said okay and that he liked this doctor-he explained things easier to him. Meanwhile, I had to deal with explaining all this to my siblings. More tests-now what? I needed to get then to accept this and help out since I didn’t live as close to my Dad as they did. Another brother took my Dad for the biopsy. The follow up appointment was scheduled. Another sister would have to go with him. My Dad was getting irritated with so many different kids going to his appointments. Everyone had a different opinion. I had a feeling that the results were going to be bad. This sister can’t handle bad news. She wouldn’t know the right questions to ask…but she was the only one who could take off work. So…I made the decision to ask my older sister if she could listen via speakerphone. I should point out that this sister was just returning to work after having pancreatic cancer surgery. I asked if she could listen in because if it was bad news, she would know what questions to ask since she had just been through this. I knew it was a lot to ask of her. She told me that she would go to the appointment. Her boss would understand. This was too important to get wrong. My two sisters went to the appointment with Dad. Yes-it is bladder cancer. He will need surgery to remove his kidney and some other parts. This is why he continues to bleed; this is why he has had all the problems he has had. This is why!!! The doctor said the tumor likely has been there for some time. He is scheduled for surgery August 16. He shouldn’t need chemo or radiation which is good because he said he wouldn’t do it. My Dad is 83 and has seen what both my sisters are going through with their cancers. Both have chemo and radiation. Why did I take the lead? I thought there had to be another answer for his issues. We weren’t getting anywhere; same old story from his doctors. My gut told me something wasn’t right. I was frustrated and I could see that my Dad was too. He was starting to feel like a burden on us kids. The challenge I had was getting my siblings to agree. There were some that felt his current doctor was fine. No enthusiasm in this case. I was awake some nights feeling that this was my fault. If only I hadn’t made the appointment with this doctor my Dad wouldn’t know that he has cancer. My fault. There are risks-my Dad is 83. The hope is that this young doctor can perform a successful surgery and that my Dad will be cancer free. How did I involve others in the planning? With this many family members, I tend to be looked at as the “listener”, the person that one can reason with-calm people down. When I made the decision to seek out a second opinion, I spoke to my older brother and sister first to get their support. If they supported it, they could help explain to the others. I offered to take him to the appointment-there was nothing in it for anyone else. They couldn’t complain. I did need them to trust me. I had that. The values I hold is that this was my Dad. He deserved to know what was causing him trouble and I had to do something. I couldn’t sit idly by and watch his quality of life degrade any longer. I had to take action and show them that more could be done. The leading by example came when I took him to the appointment, communicated what the doctor said and then asked my younger brother to take off work for the next test just like I did. He did without question. The results visit-same thing. I was able to get my younger sister to take off work since she had witnessed my brother and I doing it. There really isn’t anything to celebrate. My Dad has cancer. What I can recognize is that as large as a family as we have, everyone has contributed in some way to helping my Dad get the answers he desperately needed.
Boyd: Checking in on Dad-spending time with him Teri: Took off the first day back from pancreatic cancer to ask the right questions when the diagnosis was cancer Vicki: Providing support from afar Jessi: Taking him to his follow up appointment Jennie: Calling the doctors to make the necessary arrangements Adam: Calling the doctor to get the first results and communicating them to the family Ed: Taking off work to take Dad for the enhanced scan
Once my Dad has his surgery and finally has been relieved of so much frustration, we need to celebrate LIFE again. Everyone stepped up and did something. We need to acknowledge that.